Of Things Not Yet Here (Dec. 31st, 2014)

 

“And now we welcome the new year.  Full of things that have never been.” 

~Rainer Maria Rilke

It’s the ending of the Christmas season. We were waiting for the innocent light born in a manager. The days will be growing longer now. The nights shorter. We’ll have to take the tree down soon. The beautiful evergreen that has sparkled and twinkled in our home for weeks. The Epiphany is soon to come.

It’s good to pay attention to endings because they are sad and meaningful. But Americans don’t like sad and meaningful things. We like happy, ever-after endings. We don’t take time to mourn.

 Being fully aware means looking at and experiencing everything. Not pushing anything aside. Not ignoring anything. Being fully aware is painful and so is saying goodbye. And now is the time that we say goodbye to last year. We say goodbye to the pain and sadness. We say goodbye to the missing and the longing.  We acknowledge everything and we say goodbye.

In the English language, we have many verb tenses. I can talk about the future in many different ways, trying to understand or control it.

By this time next year, I will have been doing so many things for such a long time. I will have done so many things.

 But we can’t predict or control the future. The New Year is a celebration because it is a beginning. Because it is new. There’s excitement, an expectation, of things not yet here. There is a freedom in the not knowing.

“Make New Year's goals. Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come.”  ~Melody Beattie

~New Year’s Resolutions~

1. I resolve to enjoy reading. To not feel like reading must fit some purpose, but that it can simply be.
2. I resolve to enjoy writing anything, bad or good, for whatever reason.  I won’t be concerned about writing goals or writing professionally, but I will focus on the act of writing because I am a writer.
3. I resolve to enjoy my body, with everything that it can do, because my body is an amazing work of art and science.
4. I resolve to enjoy my chosen family and my beloved relationships. I resolve to celebrate everything that makes us unique and different.
5. I resolve to be aware of myself and what I need and what I want.
6. I resolve to be fully me.

Let’s ring in the new year with an expectation of good things. Here is my prayer: May we listen with openness, speak with mercy, hold back judgment, be kind, spread joy, and walk without fear.

 

Beginnings and Endings

 Every ending has a beginning and every beginning has an ending. I began my time as an adjunct instructor in the ESL Program at Otterbein in the spring of 2015. As someone who spent her girlhood in Westerville, who lugged a stack of books home from the Westerville library every week, whose great-grandfather had been a professor at Otterbein, I was thrilled to be part of this historical and still thriving community.

Even though I’ve always been “part-time,” my commitment to Otterbein and my students has been full time. And I’ve been honored to work alongside faculty and staff in different programs and departments. Otterbein attracts the most compassionate and hard-working folks who truly care about their students as whole and complete individuals. Every year, I wish I could participate in many of the innovative courses on campus. I’m so happy that I took the opportunity to participate in Dr. Tammy Birks’ Studies in Graphic Narrative course and it was an incredible honor to participate in Dr. Shannon Lakanen’s Memoir Writing in Prisons course with Piper Kerman. These experiences kept me connected to the struggles of being a student and shaped how I think about assignments and assessments. And I know my classroom environment was enhanced by the relationships I built with the amazing folks in the CTL and the Writing Intensive communities. 

Over the last 7 years, I’ve developed and taught courses such as Creative Writing, Marginalized Voices in American Literature, Women in American History, Sociolinguistics, and Intro to Journalism. ESL courses are often perceived as remedial classes at best, but the culture at Otterbein has always empowered me to engage students in deep and dynamic ways. Helping students find their authenticity, their personal voice, through playful and imaginative writing has always been my priority. I hope you’ll find evidence of this in the pages of The Howl. 

I took on the mantle of editor for the ESL Program’s magazine The Howl a few years ago and it is such a joy to share the poems, stories, essays, articles, and reviews written by students from China, South Korea, Japan, Jordan, Brazil, Spain, the Czech Republic, and other countries.  Doing something important is worth the hard work and I am always so proud of the passion and dedication of the students in the ESL Program. 

As I reflect on the ending of my time as an adjunct at Otterbein, I am having “all the feels.” Otterbein was a safe place for me while my wife, Felicia DeRosa, transitioned publicly and became a transgender activist, in additon to being an amazing artist and educator. I want to thank Erin Johnson, the coordinator of the ESL program, my boss, and my friend. She has always had my back. I want to thank Liz McMurray and Lejla Bilal for helping me obtain the position and for being mentors. I want to thank Dr. Paul Einsenstein for supporting my work as well.

I’m thrilled about my new role at King Avenue United Methodist Church as the Director of Student Ministries and I know my time at Otterbein has helped prepare me for the next chapter in my story. But, endings are also sad and I will miss being in the classroom, learning as much from my students as they do from me. 

Here’s a little piece of advice from a 41 year old, queer mom-like person: pay attention to the small joys and pleasures, notice the uniqueness of your lived experience, be afraid and do the thing anyway, and take time to just be. This is your life, so live it fully. 

You can always peruse previous editions of The Howl online here: https://digitalcommons.otterbein.edu/the_howl/ .